God Bless America

As an American, I should be looking forward to the July 4th holiday. And I am, because it means I don't have to go to work. But beyond that, I could do without it. Partly because I am not invited to any barbecues, so while you, Valued Reader, are enjoying your hamburgers and vegan sausages in the company of family and friends, I will probably be scrubbing my bathtub. But mostly I do not like the 4th because I do not like fireworks. I am already bracing myself for World War III which I suspect will hit my neighborhood sometime around 8:00 tomorrow night, and continue on well past midnight.

I have never cared for fireworks displays. Mostly because I have super sensitive hearing (despite partial hearing loss in one ear) and just the sound of a garbage truck rolling down the street is sometimes enough to set my nerves on edge. When I was a kid I was afraid to go to birthday parties because there would be balloons, and those balloons might pop. I like the pretty lights, but the noise negates the enjoyment. I also don't like the Ugly that the 4th brings out in so many people. It's suddenly ok for men to wear tank tops in public and everyone to guzzle Keystone Light and start shooting off their guns in the name of America. I don't like it. Also, as a child, I had a pretty debilitating phobia of fire. So combine the noise, the bad fashion, and the potential inferno, and it is not a holiday made for my enjoyment.

Another reason I resent fireworks is what it does to the crowd patterns at Disneyland. Every. Single. Night. If you don't already know, Valued Reader, I go to Disneyland a lot. And one thing that irritates me to no end is the fact that they have their fireworks extravaganza every day of the year. Never mind what all that pollution does to the environment. It pretty much shuts the park down from 8:00 - 10:30. People start building shantytowns on Main Street to stake their claim and if you're not on the side of the park that you want to be by 8:00, forget it. It infuriates me that the entire park becomes unnavigable and two entire lands completely shut down for the better part of the evening, just for a pyrotechnics display. Many a Disneyland visit has been cut short, just so I can get out of there before the madness and claustrophobia hits.

So, Valued Reader, enjoy your holiday. But don't be ridiculous. Guns aren't meant for celebration. Wildfires are for real. Drink something that doesn't come from a can. And men, for the love of God, put on a shirt.